I’ve got the end-of-January slump today. My bank account has seen better days (much better), I’m not feeling that much is moving with my acting career and my body is resisting all attempts to get out of its go-away-I’m-hibernating state. The morning alarm clock is not my friend at the moment. I have plenty to occupy my time – temping, band practice & gigs, lots of responsibility in my Buddhist organisation – but I’m not feeling like much is moving in a serious way as an artist. I’ve been suffering from this stagnant feeling for more than 6 months, off and on. I know that most of it is down to my own procrastination, but that doesn’t mean I can’t feel unreasonably annoyed at the world for not catering to my every desire for success. Which is exactly how I am feeling today.

I’m sure every actor, musician and creative type has had this feeling. The main thing is to push past it. Once you get stuck here, you definitely don’t go anywhere – so I have been writing my determinations for what I want to achieve this year. I went big with them. If I don’t, I won’t get it, right? Time for a virtual kick up the arse. I have two EPAs in the next two weeks and some filming in Mid-February, plus Coyote Love are going back to the Caribbean in March for a small tour. All I have to do to get to those things is continue plodding through the rest of January. One day to go.

Happy New Year! Yes, I know it’s already the 11th but I’ve fallen into bad habits and have not been doing any blogging. Bad.

I was able to go back to the UK for the whole of Christmas and New Year, which was fantastic. There was much drinking and eating and merrymaking, but Vince and I consciously decided to not stress trying to see EVERYONE while we were home, and just meet up with people if the timing worked out. Sorry if you were one of those we missed; we would have loved to see everybody but rushing around from one thing to another does not a restful holiday make. I really want to get back some time this year, so fingers crossed the money gods smile upon me once again. The year started with a holding-in of breath on that front, as I only got one day of paid work last week, but it seems to be picking up again so I am slowly exhaling.

I also did a great class/industry event last night with Brette Goldstein, who is absolutely my favourite casting director in the city. If you are an actor type, make sure you take a class with her at some point. She manages to do a brilliant balancing act of encouraging you and making you feel good, while offering great advice and direction to improve your reading of sides, scripts etc. It’s quite impressive. She also works in the independent film industry a lot, which is exactly where I want to be, so I’m glad that someone who I like casts the projects I want to be in!

EDIT: I totally forgot to mention how/where you can take a class with Brette. Sorry Jagger! Go to the exceptionally awesome CnC Studios and look at the schedule. The classes are the best price in the city and, in my opinion, the best classes full stop.

A new development this year is that I’m starting to experiment with gluten again. Having been wheat-free for over 2 years, and completely gluten-free for nearly 2, I have never felt better and my health has improved drastically as a result. However, I miss Guinness like you wouldn’t believe. Most other things I can find good alternatives for, but enjoying a nice cold pint of the black stuff is one of life’s greatest pleasures and I mourned the loss for a long time. Right before the holidays however, I accidentally ate some wasabi peas that I didn’t realise had wheat flour in them. Ruh-roh. My fears that I would be stricken with stomach ache for the next three days proved totally unfounded though when I merely got a slight stomach ache and bad brain fog.

Hmm.

I wondered over Christmas if my strict diet for the last couple of years has ‘reset’ my system and I can begin to slowly reintroduce gluten to my diet. So I’m testing it out (carefully). I’m starting with beer because a) it’s the thing I miss the most and b) I never had a strong reaction to barley. It did cause me pretty bad acid reflux, but I never got the terrible problems that I did with wheat. So over the weekend I drank a couple of beers (OH TASTED SO GOOD) and so far, I’ve been fine. I had a beer last night and got a bad case of indigestion, but I think that was from the curry I ate, not the beer. So I’m going to continue testing it out – will give it a few days and maybe try again over the weekend – and if after a month I’m not feeling any ill effects, I’ll move on to wheat. Maybe I’ll never be fully ok with it – I can’t really see myself eating a bowl of regular pasta ever again – but not having to be quite so rigid about every item of food that passes my lips would be amazing.

I’ll keep you posted.

It’s usually rare for a working actor/musician/whatever to really stop and appreciate their survival job. Most of the time you catch us whining about how we have to have one in order to pay the bills, it’s so unfair, etc etc. Which is true (to an extent). I certainly don’t intend to have a day job (or two) for the rest of my life, but right now it’s the thing standing between me and homelessness. This week, I got reminded.

I’ve had very consistent work through my temp agency for over a year. Generally, if I want to work, I get work. Very occasionally, there’s an odd day where I get nothing and I enjoy an unexpected day off. To finish the year in style, I made a big determination about a financial victory that I have had for a long time, and was really making a point of believing it was possible (instead of a pipe dream). So what happened? I didn’t get any work for three days. The universe decided to remind me to appreciate what I already have, and also take a look at whether I was serious about my goal. Give up and cry defeat, never going to happen, or fight back and not give up? Before, I’ve caved. I compromise on what I really want and start making excuses in my head about why it isn’t going to happen. We’ve all done that. But this time, I was done with that crap. If I want something to happen, nothing is standing in the way except me. The question is: how much do I believe I can achieve anything?

I’m happy to say that I am working today, and I hope to work the first half of next week before I go home for ChristmaHanuKwanzaSaturnaliamas. Those three days not working have hit my already precarious finances hard, being that December is an expensive month of present-buying, AND I’m not working for ten days at the end of the month. But I’m still determined to have that victory. I have no idea how. But I decided it’s happening anyway. Until it does, I am really appreciating my survival job, and how fortunate I am that all the people here are so supportive of my goals and tell me to keep pursuing them. Plus I get health insurance. There’s a lot to be grateful for.

Today I turned 30. A lot of people have anxiety about reaching a new decade; we’re suddenly seeming a whole lot older and that can be scary. But I’m really looking forward to my 30s – I feel like I have much more of a clue about myself and what I want from life now than I ever did as a 20 year old.

Last weekend, I went to Florida to attend a study conference at my Buddhist organisation’s Nature and Culture Centre. Having the opportunity to refresh my faith in such a beautiful setting, to receive wonderful guidance and do a lot of studying came at the perfect time. It’s definitely marking a milestone in my life and I used it as a chance to redetermine to achieve all my goals, no matter how impossible they may seem. I’m the only one who can prevent them from happening, so I’d better get a move on I suppose!

Happily, I’m on that road already with some good auditions coming up, Coyote Love’s second tour in the works for next March and rehearsals for the newest episode of Unlicensed in full swing. I’m having so much fun on this show and really love being back on stage with the Dysfunctionals. I’d like to keep doing more theatre next year, as I realised how much I missed the fun and the training of indie theatre in recent months. Breaking down my tendency to procrastinate instead of taking action for my career is going to be my biggest challenge next year – but one I am convinced I will break through. Part of that is recognising all the work I have already put in, and appreciating all the support and protection I get from my family, friends and the universe in general. Towards the end of the year, I am chanting with a renewed sense of appreciation for all the wonderful things in my life.

So happy birthday to me, and thanks everyone for all you do for me!

Coyote Love had another fun gig at The Underground last night. It was a rainy Tuesday evening and therefore not the largest crowd we’ve ever had, but they were enjoying it and we were too, so who cares? I got a couple of compliments on my singing which I was really happy about. I’m not sure exactly what happened recently, but my voice has finally decided to show up. I mean my real singing voice, the one I always thought I had but could never quite manifest in real life. I have always known it was there, strangely, but it was apparently not ready to materialise until I put some work in. (Funny that.) I also think that I have the kind of voice that needed time to age. I’m turning 30 in a couple of weeks and I’m more and more comfortable in my own body, voice and personality than I have been at any other time in my life. Age, wisdom, blah blah blah.

However, after I had struggled for the last couple of years with losing my voice at the drop of a hat – particularly when I was tired, which was not very helpful as I’m usually always tired – I got fed up and decided to take a multi-pronged approach to fixing the problem once and for all. As we play more and more gigs, and are planning another tour in the Caribbean next March, which last time became an epic battle to keep any shreds of voice intact for the last gig, I knew it was time.

Firstly, I needed to take care of it better. I can’t drink while I’m performing as much as I used to – it dries out my throat – and I have to warm up before our gigs, even just a couple of minutes. Secondly, when I get a bad throat, I started gargling hot salt water – not the most pleasant thing in the world, but so unbelievably effective and better than pumping over the counter or prescription medications into myself when a natural remedy works just as well. Thirdly – I really decided to want it. Everything we achieve (or don’t) comes from our own sense of determination, and I had never truly focused my determination on having a strong singing voice. So it was included in my list of goals on my Buddhist altar, and I have been chanting regularly to improve for the last few months (and increasing the amount I chant every day helps both spiritually AND because it’s exercising my voice – bonus!). It’s amazing what changes when your attitude does.

This morning, after getting home at 1am and then rising at 7 to get ready for work, I was happy to note that I am not croaking like I used to be after a late gig night. Band practice tonight is working on a new cover song that is all vocals, and we’re doing about an hour of warmups singing Bach chorales first, so the old shouty box is going to be in tip top condition by the end of this week.