I’m sure every actor, musician and creative type has had this feeling. The main thing is to push past it. Once you get stuck here, you definitely don’t go anywhere – so I have been writing my determinations for what I want to achieve this year. I went big with them. If I don’t, I won’t get it, right? Time for a virtual kick up the arse. I have two EPAs in the next two weeks and some filming in Mid-February, plus Coyote Love are going back to the Caribbean in March for a small tour. All I have to do to get to those things is continue plodding through the rest of January. One day to go.

I was able to go back to the UK for the whole of Christmas and New Year, which was fantastic. There was much drinking and eating and merrymaking, but Vince and I consciously decided to not stress trying to see EVERYONE while we were home, and just meet up with people if the timing worked out. Sorry if you were one of those we missed; we would have loved to see everybody but rushing around from one thing to another does not a restful holiday make. I really want to get back some time this year, so fingers crossed the money gods smile upon me once again. The year started with a holding-in of breath on that front, as I only got one day of paid work last week, but it seems to be picking up again so I am slowly exhaling.

I also did a great class/industry event last night with Brette Goldstein, who is absolutely my favourite casting director in the city. If you are an actor type, make sure you take a class with her at some point. She manages to do a brilliant balancing act of encouraging you and making you feel good, while offering great advice and direction to improve your reading of sides, scripts etc. It’s quite impressive. She also works in the independent film industry a lot, which is exactly where I want to be, so I’m glad that someone who I like casts the projects I want to be in!

EDIT: I totally forgot to mention how/where you can take a class with Brette. Sorry Jagger! Go to the exceptionally awesome CnC Studios and look at the schedule. The classes are the best price in the city and, in my opinion, the best classes full stop.

A new development this year is that I’m starting to experiment with gluten again. Having been wheat-free for over 2 years, and completely gluten-free for nearly 2, I have never felt better and my health has improved drastically as a result. However, I miss Guinness like you wouldn’t believe. Most other things I can find good alternatives for, but enjoying a nice cold pint of the black stuff is one of life’s greatest pleasures and I mourned the loss for a long time. Right before the holidays however, I accidentally ate some wasabi peas that I didn’t realise had wheat flour in them. Ruh-roh. My fears that I would be stricken with stomach ache for the next three days proved totally unfounded though when I merely got a slight stomach ache and bad brain fog.

Hmm.

I wondered over Christmas if my strict diet for the last couple of years has ‘reset’ my system and I can begin to slowly reintroduce gluten to my diet. So I’m testing it out (carefully). I’m starting with beer because a) it’s the thing I miss the most and b) I never had a strong reaction to barley. It did cause me pretty bad acid reflux, but I never got the terrible problems that I did with wheat. So over the weekend I drank a couple of beers (OH TASTED SO GOOD) and so far, I’ve been fine. I had a beer last night and got a bad case of indigestion, but I think that was from the curry I ate, not the beer. So I’m going to continue testing it out – will give it a few days and maybe try again over the weekend – and if after a month I’m not feeling any ill effects, I’ll move on to wheat. Maybe I’ll never be fully ok with it – I can’t really see myself eating a bowl of regular pasta ever again – but not having to be quite so rigid about every item of food that passes my lips would be amazing.

I’ll keep you posted.

I’ve had very consistent work through my temp agency for over a year. Generally, if I want to work, I get work. Very occasionally, there’s an odd day where I get nothing and I enjoy an unexpected day off. To finish the year in style, I made a big determination about a financial victory that I have had for a long time, and was really making a point of believing it was possible (instead of a pipe dream). So what happened? I didn’t get any work for three days. The universe decided to remind me to appreciate what I already have, and also take a look at whether I was serious about my goal. Give up and cry defeat, never going to happen, or fight back and not give up? Before, I’ve caved. I compromise on what I really want and start making excuses in my head about why it isn’t going to happen. We’ve all done that. But this time, I was done with that crap. If I want something to happen, nothing is standing in the way except me. The question is: how much do I believe I can achieve anything?

I’m happy to say that I am working today, and I hope to work the first half of next week before I go home for ChristmaHanuKwanzaSaturnaliamas. Those three days not working have hit my already precarious finances hard, being that December is an expensive month of present-buying, AND I’m not working for ten days at the end of the month. But I’m still determined to have that victory. I have no idea how. But I decided it’s happening anyway. Until it does, I am really appreciating my survival job, and how fortunate I am that all the people here are so supportive of my goals and tell me to keep pursuing them. Plus I get health insurance. There’s a lot to be grateful for.

Last weekend, I went to Florida to attend a study conference at my Buddhist organisation’s Nature and Culture Centre. Having the opportunity to refresh my faith in such a beautiful setting, to receive wonderful guidance and do a lot of studying came at the perfect time. It’s definitely marking a milestone in my life and I used it as a chance to redetermine to achieve all my goals, no matter how impossible they may seem. I’m the only one who can prevent them from happening, so I’d better get a move on I suppose!

Happily, I’m on that road already with some good auditions coming up, Coyote Love’s second tour in the works for next March and rehearsals for the newest episode of Unlicensed in full swing. I’m having so much fun on this show and really love being back on stage with the Dysfunctionals. I’d like to keep doing more theatre next year, as I realised how much I missed the fun and the training of indie theatre in recent months. Breaking down my tendency to procrastinate instead of taking action for my career is going to be my biggest challenge next year – but one I am convinced I will break through. Part of that is recognising all the work I have already put in, and appreciating all the support and protection I get from my family, friends and the universe in general. Towards the end of the year, I am chanting with a renewed sense of appreciation for all the wonderful things in my life.

So happy birthday to me, and thanks everyone for all you do for me!

However, after I had struggled for the last couple of years with losing my voice at the drop of a hat – particularly when I was tired, which was not very helpful as I’m usually always tired – I got fed up and decided to take a multi-pronged approach to fixing the problem once and for all. As we play more and more gigs, and are planning another tour in the Caribbean next March, which last time became an epic battle to keep any shreds of voice intact for the last gig, I knew it was time.

Firstly, I needed to take care of it better. I can’t drink while I’m performing as much as I used to – it dries out my throat – and I have to warm up before our gigs, even just a couple of minutes. Secondly, when I get a bad throat, I started gargling hot salt water – not the most pleasant thing in the world, but so unbelievably effective and better than pumping over the counter or prescription medications into myself when a natural remedy works just as well. Thirdly – I really decided to want it. Everything we achieve (or don’t) comes from our own sense of determination, and I had never truly focused my determination on having a strong singing voice. So it was included in my list of goals on my Buddhist altar, and I have been chanting regularly to improve for the last few months (and increasing the amount I chant every day helps both spiritually AND because it’s exercising my voice – bonus!). It’s amazing what changes when your attitude does.

This morning, after getting home at 1am and then rising at 7 to get ready for work, I was happy to note that I am not croaking like I used to be after a late gig night. Band practice tonight is working on a new cover song that is all vocals, and we’re doing about an hour of warmups singing Bach chorales first, so the old shouty box is going to be in tip top condition by the end of this week.

(A blog post on that is coming soon on the Coyote blog, which I will link to when it goes up.)
UPDATE: Here’s the post on our weekend gig.

So the band is going along pretty well, and that is highlighting to me the woeful lack of film work this year. Either there were lots of people looking for short-haired actresses last year, or I was just in a groove, because this year it’s been rubbish. I’m submitting as much as I can – but the volume of roles available to me seems so much less and of those, I’m not getting as many auditions. It’s becoming a source of frustration because I want to be working. However, I also had a realisation that I’ve let my big goals this year – feature film work and freelancing with agents – slip by because of procrastination and self-doubt. I had a little tantrum about this the other day and am now working on getting over myself and sending out my headshot to agents. By the end of the year, I will have sent it to 10 suitable agents and have monologues prepared for any meetings I get. This is my determination. If I write it here and publish it publicly, it means I actually have to do it.

So there you go.

Coyote Love – Why'd You Have To Do It Now?

Not bad, huh? This is going to be on our upcoming blues album, so if you like its insane catchiness, make sure you download it when it’s released in 2012. In the meantime, we’re jamming, working on new covers and originals, and planning our second tour in the Caribbean next March. Feeling pretty rock n’ roll at the moment.

Of course, I have my own phobia, one that is just as irrational, ridiculous and scoff-worthy as the spiders and rats and clowns. I HATE monologue auditions. Nothing can make me back out of an audition faster than the phrase, ‘please prepare a two-minute monologue’. One of the reasons I have never really done EPAs [Equity Principal Auditions, for the uninitiated - open calls for Broadway & Off-Broadway shows] is because theatre auditions almost always require a monologue. I’ve been able to do awesome theatre work over the last six years and in that time, I can count on one hand the number of monologue auditions I have done. They all sucked. I got my jobs reading for specific shows or on recommendations. I love film auditions because they give you sides to read – and the student directors who post up notices asking you do to a monologue? I do not go to those. One reason is my aforementioned monologuephobia, but also it signals to me that the student doesn’t really know what they are doing, which doesn’t bode well for the shoot if I got cast. Film auditions should never involve a monologue. A straw poll on Facebook confirmed that most actor friends of mine feel the same way.

Although I never felt particularly held back by my lack of monologue preparedness, I was acutely aware of the gaping hole this left in my repertoire as an actor. It is doubly ridiculous because I have done THREE productions which were monologue shows – and stood on stage by myself for ten minutes at a stretch performing to the audience in each one. Within the context of the play? No problem. In an audition room with one bored casting assistant behind a table? I’m sweating just thinking about it. Being on Broadway was not really my goal, so I trundled along happily ignoring the problem and telling myself I really didn’t need to worry about it. Until I decided I want to get an agent.

You see, an agent is going to call me in based on my headshot or a mailing campaign (usually). I’m unlikely to be in the kind of show or film that they will see and so they have no idea what my acting is like. So, they will want to see me do a couple of monologues to gauge my skill/personality/level of suckage and decide if they want to work with me accordingly. Getting in front of agents, and freelancing with them, is a huge part of my goals – they are the ones who can really put me up for good auditions for feature films, the ones that pay a proper wage. A good agent is a huge ally in this big ocean of actors, and I want a good agent. So I procrastinated for about a year. Yes, I know.

Then, about a week ago, my friend and fellow actor Ines sent me a notice for an Off-Broadway play that was having EPAs. It was coming over from the Royal Court in London, they needed flawless English accents, and the only female character being cast fit my description very well. Damn. I really wanted to do the audition, but the wall came looming up at me: no monologue. Enter, from stage right, another friend and actor, Nicole. She is an opera singer, director, actor, choreographer and anything else you can think of. She’s done movement, monologue and singing coaching for a long time and is someone whose opinion I have always trusted and valued, and she had been posting notices on Facebook recently about coaching sessions. See where this is all going? She did an amazing job coaching me last weekend on a monologue (and forcing me to actually pick one, something I also do not like doing), bringing out layers in the piece that I would not have got on my own. She helped me recognise my physical bad habits (every actor has them) and worked on my voice a little bit, too.

Audition day rolled around and I was horribly, horribly nervous. I don’t tend to get stage fright when I am performing, but yesterday morning I had the churning stomach and dry mouth that only appears when I have to Perform A Monologue. I nearly didn’t go – for some reason I didn’t have an up to date Equity card and they would only let me sign up as non-Equity, meaning I had to wait for ages to get a slot and I was doing this on my lunchbreak from work – but I was determined not to let Nicole down after all the hard work she put in for me. So I sat and waited for half an hour, then got called in. DON’T PUKE. Once I got in the room, the casting assistant was lovely, she actually watched the whole monologue and laughed at one of the lines, and complimented me on it at the end of the audition. I skipped down the corridor and all the way back to my temp job, feeling like I had just conquered Everest.

To someone who can knock out four EPAs in a day, this sounds like the most ludicrous journey, I’m sure. It’s an EPA, for goodness’ sake. They hardly EVER even cast people from it anyway! But I guess that’s why phobias are irrational – they aren’t usually proportional or reasonable. Yesterday, I took a huge step forwards in getting over my phobia – and I’m looking forward to going back to work with Nicole soon to get another monologue ready, so when my agent meeting comes along I’m raring to go.

It’s no coincidence that I would not have done all this without the nudging of my friends. Whether they knew it or not, they were in the right place at the right time to push me in the direction I needed to go in, even if I didn’t really want to. (thanks universe!) And if you are hopeless like me, or just want to brush up on your monologues & songs, send me a message and I will put you in touch with Nicole. You can thank me later with a nice cake.

Now we can all relax and enjoy our weekends.

The Coyote gig was fantastic too. We were playing at a venue we’ve wanted to get into for absolutely ages and it couldn’t have gone better. Thanks to the legion of friends who came out to support – and in particular big thanks to Chris, Sydney, Justin, Amy and Tanja who all came to support me – we had a great set and the venue loved us. Expect to hear more soon about that place. The setup at The Underground is really ideal for us – they have a back room with good acoustics, minimal but very effective sound equipment and no cover charge, so I always feel good about inviting people to see the show. Combined with our new rehearsal/recording space, which has allowed us to spend a lot of concentrated time on working vocals and harmonies, I think that our performance level and quality overall has come on a huge amount in the last six months. I know we can be even better.

Between all that, working 9-5, taking on extra responsibility with my buddhist organisation and trying to see friends, poor Vince has been horribly neglected by his dreadful wife. I always promise him I won’t overbook myself, but it’s an uphill struggle and I can’t claim to always be winning it. But I do try. I promise dear.